Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
