He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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