seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
