Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
