Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
