How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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