I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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