Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
