I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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