i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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