i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
