If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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