but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
