I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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