I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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