do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
