I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
