Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
