hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
