He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
