I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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