i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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