the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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