I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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