Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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