One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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