I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
