It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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