Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
