I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
