Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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