The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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