What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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