Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
