She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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