Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
All I want is dick and wine.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
