The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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