if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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