I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
