I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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