I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
