I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
