today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
