my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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