guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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