I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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