U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
