My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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