How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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