It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
it hurts more in the daytime
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
