You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
