you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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